Star has just launched it's 24-hour Star-CJ shopping channel. That makes at least 2 channels in my knowledge with home shop 18 being the other one. And obviously we have those home-shopping vignettes dubbed in Hindi which have provided us with quite some fodder for fun specially with that distinct style of dubs (read 'mere ganjepan se mujhe bahut sharam aati thi... main kaafi niraash ho gaya tha'). Anyways back to the point. This new shopping channel certainly fits the idea of a dedicated shopping channel into a trend and so we are marching steadily towards the 'American satellite TV market' style which has dedicated channels for just about anything. Though shopping fits right there with the Indian genre, I do not think others like a gardening channel would be a success in India. Therefore I feel it is my duty to suggest a few 'dedicated' channels that would be runaway successes in India. So here goes...
1. Saas-Bahu Channel (Scope of at least 2 channels as one would be owned solely by 'K'ekta Kapoor, and we can have the rest of the industry combine to get another one running to give her stiff (pun intended) competition until Warner Bros. decides to buy this channel and put Ekta out of business)
2. The failure of Real TV clearly shows that Reality shows cannot be restrained to one channel so we need specialisation people specialisation.
a. Singing competition channel (with famous celebrity gurus fighting with each other on screen eg. Himesh Reshamiyah, Anu Mallik, Preetam, Abhijeet, Asha Bhonsle and so on. Basically any singer or music director with more than 3 songs to his or her credit... long haired ones, who have copied rock songs preffered)
b. Singing competition channel (without famous celebrity gurus but with scheming boys and catty girls to plot against each other and also capable of physical fights at a drop of Naushad saabs hat)
c. Singing competition channel (copy of international formats)
d. Singing competition channel (Comprising of people who can actually sing. To be hosted by Sonu Nigam and Shaan on 12-hour shifts. TRPs not guaranteed. Warner bros. will have to buy it and develop it as a competitor for any of the above Singing Competition channels with guest international celebrities who can fight in public)
e. Dance competition channel (Girls only. Guys who dance like girls subject to approval by the channel producers)
f. Dance Competition channel (Celebrity out of work teaming with Choreographer looking for work)
g. Dance Competition channel (Celebrity out of work teaming with Retired Cricketer or cricketer dropped from Team India. Only top names from other sports may apply, subject to approval by the channel producers)
h. Dance Competition channel (Kids 0-5 yrs old... Pregnant mothers may apply in advance)
i. Dance Competition channel (Kids 5-8 yrs old... comic timing and ability to drop on your knees and kiss the stage to massage Judges' egos is a must)
j. Dance Competition channel (Kids 8 years and older. Candidates have to agree to wear funny makeup and costumes)
k. Big Boss house channel (Ability to abuse in hindi is a must)
l. Complicated Games format channel (U'll need to watch it for atleast 3 months to figure out all the rules, and as soon as you do, they'll change 'em)
m. Roadies channel
n. Roadies audition channel
o. Couples playing for money and ending up dumping each other channel
p. Reality channels update news channel
3. Advertising channels (not to be confused with shopping channel as here ads would not be more than 40 seconds long)
a. General advertisement channel (with a 3 minute serial every 7 minutes)
b. The Bachchans advertisement channel
c. Dhoni advertisement channel
d. Shahrukh vs Aamir advertisement channel
4. Guess the bollywood actor whose face we've morphed channel
5. Guess the cricketer whose face we've morphed channel
6. Bollywood upcoming releases promos channel
7. Shahrukh vs Aamir new developments channel
8. Bebo vs Deepika vs Kat vs Aish vs Piggy Chops channel
9. Stand-up comedy channel (pjs, owner Navjot Singh Sidhu)
10. Stand-up comedy channel (slap-stick, owner Archana Puran Singh)
11. Stand-up comedy channel (Adult jokes, owner Shekhar Suman)
12. A series of educational channels where you can learn while making Samosas
a. How to be a reality show judge channel
b. What is cool this season in clothes channel
c. What is cool this season in shoes channel
d. What is cool this season in accessories channel
e. How to bargain channel
f. What is cool and what is not channel (to be hosted by Sonam 'Aisha' Kapoor)
g. How to get a phoren accent channel
h. Cooking Non-veg items channel
i. Cooking healthy veg items channel
j. cooking phoren items channel
k. Cooking various Indian foods channel (TRPs not guaranteed. Warner Bros. will have to buy it and convert it into phoren food by phoren chefs channel - subtitles must)
13. And a series of sports channels
a. India-Pakistan cricket and other controversies channel
b. India-Australia cricket channel
c. India kicks Paki ass channel (with a special focus on cricket)
d. India kicks Oz ass channel (with a special focus on racism)
e. Cricket Controversies channel (with a special focus on Indo-Pak and Indo-Aussie cricketing relations)
f. Why India lost the match analysis channel (Here the expert is you, the viewer)
g. IPL controversies channel
h. Kings XI Punjab channel (with special focus on owner-player huggings. To be hosted by an out of work S Sreesanth. Every hour one lucky viewer will get to slap him)
i. Sachin Tendulkar channel
j. Mahendra singh Dhoni channel
k. Sania Mirza Channel (A joint Indo-Pak collaboration)
l. Hockey Channel (TRPs not guaranteed, Warner Bros. will have to buy this and make it a seasonal channel... Hockey Sex scandals season, other games sex scandals season, CWG games controversies season, why India sucked at CWG games season, cricketers marriage season)
14. Politicians and their nautankis channel (oh shit that one already exists... aptly titles LS Tv)
So those are the ones I could think of as of now... but this obviously is an ever-expanding list. My prediction - by the year 2020 we'll have three times more channels than USA and India would be the largest producer of television shows in the world (if we already aren't). So untill next time... happy watching.
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